Malignant narcissists have an inferiority complex. So, their narcissism is a COMPENSATORY egomania. It is caused by shame and is low esteem in disguise. Quite the opposite of someone who just has a big head…

That underlying shame and self loathing is what makes a malignant narcissist malignant. Whereas narcissistic-but-normal people have big heads, malignant narcissists actually think little of themselves. They have no self confidence. They don’t think they can win fair and square. They don’t think they can achieve anything or live up to moral standards. They have no self respect, despite their elaborate play-acting to the contrary. In fact, the thicker they put it on, the less they think of themselves.

Consider the consequences of these attitudes.

• Form birth, the malignant narcissist has had indelibly stamped into his brain the impression that he is somehow defective, a reject, a kind of Quasimodo. So, throughout his life he finds himself surrounded in a world of people who aren’t. 
• Since narcissists don’t think they can measure-up the legitimate way — through effort and excellence — they must cheat. That is, to be greater than others, they don’t strive to be: they must tear their betters down.  
• Their lack of self respect is even more damning. Because of it, nothing is beneath them. No lie is too mean to tell. No trick is too lowdown, dirty and rotten to play. Things you or I couldn’t stoop to, because sinking to that level would make us feel like we are wallowing naked on our bellies in sewage, narcissists glory in like mud-wallowing hogs. Ironic, isn’t it? that such deep, unbearable shame makes one shameless? But it does.  
• This is why every malignant narcissist has two middle names: one is “Abuser” and the other is “Slanderer.”  

A mere (non-malignant) narcissist isn’t like that. He is just someone with a big head. Fame and fortune have probably gone to his head. So, he may be arrogant and haughty, but he doesn’t go around tearing people down off pedestals by slandering and calumniating others to make himself look better than them. Or by raping them for being purer than him. A mere narcissist may be obnoxious and disappointing, but he is not a predator hostile to the happiness, well being, and success of others. Hurting people doesn’t make him feel good. He has human feelings and can form human relationships. He loves his own children at least and wouldn’t dream of hurting them. A malignant narcissist is a far different animal.

So, don’t confuse NPD (malignant narcissism) with what people usually mean when they say someone is “narcissistic.” Despite the superficial similarities, there’s a world of difference! One is benign; the other is malignant.

• The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family
• In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People
• Why Is It Always About You? : Saving Yourself from the Narcissists in Your Life

Think I’ll be buying the books. Became very interested in an excerpt from Why Is It Always About You?, which I read on Amazon’s Look Inside feature, about how narcissism is really shame-based, even if narcissists themselves seem shameless. Also described in the book are the Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism: Shamelessness, Magical Thinking, Arrogance, Envy, Entitlement, Exploitation and Bad Boundaries. (Although personally, I don’t see magical thinking as such a deadly sin.)

An Amazon reviewer commented that the granddaddy of all traits is missing – Lack of Empathy. But the author, Sandy Hotchkiss, does describe this lack of empathy, along with an explanation of where it might be coming from – shame in early childhood without consolation.

That’s one thing I would not do with my daughter, leave her feeling ashamed without coming to her aid. I would always try to console, and oftentimes even apologize when I thought I might have overreacted. I just didn’t want to leave her alone in bed feeling as ashamed and bad as I used to feel, even when the only thing I’d done wrong was dare to ask someone molesting me to please stop. Childhood is so confusing when you’re being molested, and then made to feel bad and ashamed for going along with it  (you like it, don’t you) or punished, shunned, threatened for resisting. When the person doing this to you is your parent or caretaker, you can imagine how it can mess up your mind, your relationships and your life. Have you seen Forrest Gump?  - Watch  Forrest Gump.

I have to admit that I am somewhat of a narcissist. I don’t think I could have survived what I did without picking up some narcissistic traits. I needed to find some way to boost my ravaged ego after my uncle had abused, shamed and degraded me in the shed. 

There was – “I’m really a star” “I’m brilliant” “Yes I’m hurting now, but one day it will make me really smart, rich and famous” “I’m so much smarter than they are” ”I’m like a rat, picked on and hated, but clever for it.” ”I can’t stand people for judging me when they don’t have to go through what I’m going through. It’s not fair. One of these days, I’ll get powerful and judge them.”

In fact, we all have narcissistic traits, but some have narcissism to a healthy degree, and some others don’t. I’m probably on the border, veering more to the unhealthy side. But I’ve met people who are far worse than I am, like the pedophiles who abused and molested me, but they’ve since passed on. There are some people in my family right now who are more narcissistic than I am. In their presence, you feel like nothing more than a minor character in some film they’re starring in. But I only see them during the holidays, if at all.

Met another true blue narcissist. And we became so close, so fast. Too close. He managed to find out such intimate details about me, but only later did I realize it was only so he could find out which weaknesses to manipulate to exploit me to his advantage. And he was such a work bully. I was lucky to extricate myself from his clutches. And yet, I still miss him in some ways. He was so charming. Have you seen The Devil Wears Prada? That was his work philosophy too.

But they’re the obvious narcissists. And my God, they’re smart. It’s like when you’re missing the empathy connection, your mind is free to become really sharp.  

But then there are some who don’t seem like narcissists when you first get to know them. They can be so sweet and kind and very politically correct. For me, that’s the first tip-off. Political correctness to try to camouflage their lack of empathy. And they know how to play the game of You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours. So you’re thinking that they can’t possibly be narcissists.

But then they get ticked off over such minor things, the slightest slights. And you want to explain to them that they have it all wrong. That this is where you were coming from, they’re taking it the wrong way, but they don’t care. They simply cannot or refuse to see anything from your side. All that matters to them is their side, the way they see things, and what they’re entitled to. Even if what they think they’re entitled to infringes on your rights. Their needs and rights matter more than yours. Get that straight!

But you don’t give up, you keep trying, hoping to enlighten them, but to no avail. And they may let it slide, but then find some way to get even. Something passive-aggressive.  They might play games – like keeping you in the dark, off-kilter and wondering. 

And you might continue to email them or try to contact them, but they stop answering your messages or only answer infrequently. They usually won’t cut you off altogether, because when you keep trying and wondering, it becomes their narcissistic supply. They like to think that you’re doing it because you love them or want and need them, and refusing or ignoring you becomes a way to hurt you. But you only keep contacting because you want closure, or at least some explanation. Don’t know if the authors describe narcissists like that in their books.  

But it led me to a link on True Believer Syndrome http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/True-believer_syndrome and from there, a link to John W. Worley, renowned psychiatrist, and victim of a 419 scam.

Along with the scam and phish that regularly find their way to my inbox, instead of the email I’m always hoping for from a ‘friend’  (who’s apparently not friendly enough to answer any of my questions or even remember me or my daughter’s birthday) , I regularly find those of the 419 variety.

You know, I can see through 419 scams, thanks to the efforts of people posting on the internet. What I’m not so good at seeing through are ’friends’ who, if they see no furthur use for you, start ignoring you. Guess I’ve been a perfect mark too.

Why should I let it bother me so much? It should just make me appreciate and value my true friends more. Besides, it will come back to her and most probably in this lifetime. You reap what you sow. It’s people like her who, when things start to go wrong, cry out to God ’WHY ME?’ And you feel like saying, ‘Do you want it in essay or point form?’ 

Here is a pic of someone who reminds me of her. The word ‘narcissist’ comes to mind. 

Anyway, here it is – with some background on how Nigerian scam started, and how very dangerous it could be to fall for it.

The New Yorker – Annals of Crime

THE PERFECT MARK
How a Massachusetts psychotherapist fell for a Nigerian e-mail scam.
by MITCHELL ZUCKOFF
Issue of 2006-05-15 – Posted 2006-05-08

http://www.newyorker.com/fact/content/articles/060515fa_fact - for the complete story.

“According to a statement posted on the Internet by the U.S. State Department, 419 schemes began to proliferate in the mid-nineteen-eighties, when a collapse in oil prices caused severe economic upheaval in Nigeria. The population—literate, English-speaking, and living with widespread government corruption—faced poverty and rising unemployment. These conditions created a culture of scammers, some of them violent.

Marks are often encouraged to travel to Nigeria or to other countries, where they fall victim to kidnapping, extortion, and, in rare cases, murder. In the nineteen-nineties, at least fifteen foreign businessmen, including one American, were killed after being lured to Nigeria by 419 scammers. Until recently,

Nigerian officials tended to blame the marks. “There would be no 419 scam if there are no greedy, credulous and criminally-minded victims ready to reap where they did not sow,” the Nigerian Embassy in Washington said in a 2003 statement. The following year, Nuhu Ribadu, the chairman of Nigeria’s Economic & Financial Crimes Commission, noted that not one scammer was behind bars. Last November, however, Ribadu’s commission convicted two crime bosses who had enticed a Brazilian banker to spend two hundred and forty-two million dollars of his employer’s money on a fictitious airport-development deal. (Prosecutions by U.S. authorities are rare; most victims don’t know the real names of their “partners,” and 419 swindlers are adept at covering their tracks.)”